


PETRICHOR

by kyloswarstars



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Peaky Blinders - Freeform, sad shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25803613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyloswarstars/pseuds/kyloswarstars
Summary: Bonnie and you. You and Bonnie. It’s perfect. And then it’s all gone. Grieving is a strange, complicated thing to do and you don’t have a single clue on how to survive without him.
Relationships: Bonnie Gold/Original Character(s), Bonnie Gold/Reader
Kudos: 8





	PETRICHOR

For once, you felt completely and utterly peaceful. It’s been a long time since you last felt that way. The hectic of accomplishing Peaky business and dealing with Tommy’s tantrums had worn you out. For Tommy it may have been Grace’s death to turn him even more away from the man he once used to be. For you it’s been John Boy’s death three years ago – _three fucking years ago already_ – that turned everything upside down. Sure, before that a lot of deaths happened too and scarily disturbing shit you’ve been involved in, including a lot of eyes cut out by razor blades. But when the first of your siblings was killed – and that it would be only a matter of time when the next will be taken away, maybe even you, who knew – it changed something completely. The Shelby’s weren’t invincible. Never were and never will be, no matter how intensely Tommy tried to make everyone believe it. Not even by the order of the Peaky fucking Blinders.

Right now, though, with this cold airstream on this foggy morning, sitting on the steps of this caravan, wrapped up in a blanket – everything felt okay for a short while.

Last night you had been sitting at the bonfire and enjoyed the warming flames like the couple nights before. Lately you spent more and more time out of the city, trying to escape the business and Tommy’s orders.

They didn’t know. You never told them. All this time you spent with him and no one knew. You didn’t want them to know. The chance of them ruining it all was so fucking high, the only way you saw was hiding it from them. You thought, maybe they would start to worry where you were. Maybe. But they didn’t. So, those nights at the bonfire with him belonged to you two. Occasionally accompanied by his family, but mostly it’s been your nights, chatting away, making out for a while and roasting the rabbits or squirrels over the fire you had hunted during the day.

The fire had been burning brightly, dancing up into the night sky and competing with the stars. The booze in your veins had made you dance along with it, circling it like druids performing a summoning, until raindrops started to extinguish the bonfire. For a moment you looked up to the sky, feeling every raindrop slowly touching your face – then the rain changed its mind and rushed down onto you like someone opened a faucet. He had grabbed your hand and ran to the caravan with you.

His laughter still echoed in your ears as you sat on the steps. It was the only sound you heard in this early hours of the day. No birds had woken, no wind was finding its way through grass and leaves yet. Only his laughter in your ears, igniting a warm feeling in your chest and spreading through your whole body.

The smell of the earth was lingering everywhere. It had been the reason why you woke up so early in the first place. It was the best thing ever, how soil decided to send out this beautiful scent after rain had poured on it. _The best thing, after him._

He stirred behind you and got out of the bed. His steps were creaking on the caravan’s wooden flooring. Without any words, he sat down behind you and wrapped his arms around your body. 

He rested his chin on your shoulder. „Why are you sitting here, Y/N?“

„Enjoying the woods, Bonnie.“

„How long have you been sitting here?“

You shifted in his arms to meet his eyes. „For a while.“

He tried to pull you even closer to him. Of course he knew what was struggling you. Of course he knew you weren’t only enjoying the woods. The short period of peace slowly faded and made room for the exhausting reality once again.

„I’m sick of it“, you whispered. Back in the day, when the boys came back from war, in your childish mind you thought everything would get better or at least back to normal or to a new normality. It never did. You grew up and with every blink of your eyelids another month passed, full of events that happened at such a fast pace you could hardly understand what was going on most of the times. And then you had met Bonnie and everything stopped for a while. And when the world started to spin again, the speed had slowed down a little. Not much, but enough for you to be able to breathe again.

„I know, my love.“

„Unfortunately, I have to go back“, you mumbled and heard Bonnie sigh. „I need to show my face and get some work done. Can’t stay here forever.“

„You could…“ Bonnie’s warm breath on your neck was giving you shivers. His voice was still raspy from his deep sleep. You loved to wake up next to him. „We could just go away, take the caravan and leave forever, Y/N. Imagine how perfect life would be. Imagine how cute little you’s would be.“

You tried to picture it. Traveling from one place to another with Bonnie, living in the woods and find food in the wilderness. Freezing during winter and warming each other in bed, sweating in the summer and skinny dipping in a lake to cool down. Growing his child in your belly. Giving birth, becoming a family and repeating it over and over again until you two had a whole soccer team. With Bonnie, this idea didn’t feel scary anymore. With Bonnie, everything seemed pretty easy actually. With Bonnie, it always felt like you were running through a field full of wild flowers, brushing against your skin, and making you feel exactly as beautiful as all the blossoms around you.

„Okay“, you agreed, feeling his arms hold onto you even tighter. „I’ll find a way.“ But first you had to go back to sort everything out.

Bonnie hardly ever wanted to let you go. When you got up and tried to get dressed, his hands were all over you and his lips tried to delay your departure. As always, he ‚helped‘ you getting dressed. First, he inspected every piece of clothing, to see if you could really wear it, then delicately put it on you with a lot of fumbling around to expand the time he had with you. The most dangerous part of it all was, when he came to the last piece: the shirt. He made you stretch out your arms over your head and when he pulled it on and the shirt covered your face, he would most likely try to grab and carry you back to the bed. And that is exactly what happened again. You tried to somehow get out of his grip but had to surrender in laughter. He didn’t seem like it at first glance, but he was so incredibly strong, not even the giant Goliath had a chance against him in the end.

„Bonnie, stop it!“ Laughing under his tickle attack, you tried to get your head out of your shirt to see at least what was going on. Instead of accomplishing it on your own, he pulled down your shirt and freed your head. Only to press his lips on yours and make it even harder to want to go back to the city.

**„This.“** Kiss. **„Is.“** Kiss. **„What.“** Kiss. **„Will.“** Kiss. **„Await.“** Kiss. **„You.“** Kinda out of breath, he rested his forehead against yours. He stared down to you, even though in this proximity eyes couldn’t focus anymore. „God, how much I love you, Y/N. Do you even know _how_ much I love you?“

„I don’t know“, you couldn’t suppress your grin, „maybe to the moon and back?“

„No.“ Bonnie’s grin was probably even bigger than yours. „More than that. To every single star in the sky and way beyond what’s in the darkness lurking between them.“

That’s probably the most perfect description of what your love felt for him as well. „I love you, Bonnie.“ Your lips brushed against his briefly. „But I really have to go now. The sooner I go, the sooner I’ll be back and we can go wherever the wind blows us.“

Groaning, he let himself fall next to you on the bed so you could stand up and fix your clothes. 

He stood as well, when you reached for the car keys and pulled on your Peaky cap. It was a quick walk to where you had parked the car – Bonnie wouldn’t let go off your hand. And he didn’t let you close the door for a while when you were sat behind the steering wheel.

The birds still didn’t chirp, nor were any other animals being heard. The silence was still there, still granting you some peace, even though it wasn’t the same as on the steps.

„Don’t take too long, okay?“ One hand on the hood, the other on the door, he leaned down to kiss you once more.

„I won’t. I promise“, you smiled. Starting the car, Bonnie softly closed the door and watched you drive off. You saw him getting smaller in the mirror, didn’t really want to leave him, but you would see him soon again. And when that time came, you wouldn’t leave him again.

**/////**

Parking the car in front of the house on Watery Lane, you already felt uncomfortable being back in the city. Out in the woods everything was so much more easy. Especially with Bonnie by your side. _But,_ this, and only this, would soon be everything you had to care about. The blue sky above your head and a loving Bonnie, who you would share freedom with.

Isaiah was making a beeline for you, the second you entered the building. _That can’t mean any good._ „What’s it, Isaiah?“

„Where the fuck have you been?“

„Language! I’m the fucking boss here“, you snarled, not very seriously. He just rolled his eyes with a little smirk. „What did I miss? Short story, please.“

Shelby’s weren’t supposed to do the dirty work anymore. But someone had to supervise those who did the dirty work _for_ the Shelby’s. When Arthur became Chairman, you gladly inherited the job. You couldn’t stand paperwork or all the other serious business stuff, your work field was more physical.

As a teenager, while the Shelby’s tried to consolidate their position within the betting world, you had been part of the razor gang like your other siblings as well, except for Ada. You hadn’t been treated differently, only because you were a girl. You had grown up with them, with the violence, and to be honest: none of them tried to hold you back from taking your spot within the rows as they did with Finn. You wouldn’t have left them.

You were awaiting a ‚normal' report, but what you got was far from normal.

„Well… Finn got shot for the first time and Michael’s back, got married on a ship, was being held captive _and_ knocked up his lady.“

„Are you kidding me?“ That was already too much drama to comprehend for only being back two minutes.

He shook his head, being dead serious. „Oh and Charlie wants you at the yard. Didn’t say anything else.“

„News from Tommy?“

„No.“

_Good._ That gave you the opportunity to check on Charlie right away. Leaving the house, you chose to walk over. Maybe it would be the last time to do the stroll, who knew. The dirty alleys of Small Heath and their people had been home for all your life. It would be strange to leave it all behind but an adventure would be waiting for you. Bonnie.

People were greeting you on your way, you returned it with a tap to your cap. To be a Shelby wasn’t always bad. You loved being a Shelby. Sometimes, it could just get a little too much for you. Especially after John died and wasn’t there anymore to defuse tensed situations with his silly jokes. 

„Charlie?“ Entering his yard, no-one was to be seen at first. Your call was answered soon, though. Curly was running up to you, throwing his arms in the air.

„Yes, Y/N. Yes.“ He was smiling. You always enjoyed Curly’s presence and friendship. „Sorry, sorry, not Charlie needs you, I do. Help me, yes?“

„Of course, Curly. What’s the matter?“ Besides being the dirty-work-supervisor, you also spent a lot of time in Charlie’s yard. Helping them with every sort of work they were going after or just hanging out – sometimes with Finn, trying to maintain your bond.

Curly was returning to the shed he came out of, you followed behind. „I just found them. Couldn’t leave them just like that. Have to take care of them, you know?“ There was an old box, lined with hay, which he knelt down in front of. In it were laying a dozen tiny kittens, meowing in an unrhythmic canon. _How cute._ Curly just could never see an animal in need. He always took care of them. And more than one time, you had helped him with nursing them back to health.

Promising Curly to organise some milk, you left for the Garrison. It never failed to amuse you, that the noise died down for a moment when a Shelby entered the pub. When they realised you didn’t care for their business, they continued with their chats again. Grabbing some bottles of milk from the back, you went to the office and tried to call Tom. You probably wouldn’t return to the Arrow House tonight and spend it at the yard, just wanted to let him know, but he didn’t answer. 

Afternoon and evening was spend trying to feed every kitten some milk. Once you accomplished it and were done with every kitten, the first one cried out for more already. 

At some point you must’ve fallen asleep in the shed. When you woke in the middle of the night and returned to Watery Lane, Finn was sitting in the kitchen. „Why are you not at home?“ ‚At home‘ meaning Arrow House you had been living in with Tommy.

„Tommy called. Sit down with me.“ By his foreign facial expression, you feared they somehow found out you were in love with Bonnie. You hadn’t even told Finn, just to make sure. What if they ruined your plans on going away with him? „I wanted it to be me to tell you because–“

„You know of me and Bonnie?“ For a second you were scared that maybe he didn’t find out and now you just revealed it on accident.

„Of course I do. I’m your twin, Y/N.“

„So did the others find out? How mad are they?“

Finn flicked his cigarette into the fireplace and fully turned towards you. He reached out for your hands and took them both. „I told them but this is not what this is about right now.“ Taking a deep breath, he locked eyes with you. „Bonnie was killed today. He’s dead.“

Slipping from this room, you must’ve fallen through the floor and deep down into the ground. You went somewhere dark, where your body couldn’t breathe anymore, your eyes unable to see and your mouth not able to let out the scream that was building up in your throat.

_No._ Impossible. „This can’t be right. I was there this morning.“

Finn didn’t answer.

He swallowed and got up, wanted to hug you, but you refused. You got up from the chair, stumbled backwards and crashed into the wall. All you could do was stare at him. You were waiting for him to say that he was wrong and Bonnie wasn’t dead. It didn’t happen. His face didn’t light up, it only got darker.

You had a stare down and kept the distance between you because if he came closer, you might’ve started to cry.

When the front door got opened, your attention was drawn away from Finn to the person coming through it: Tommy. The moment you saw him, everything crashed for you. He wouldn’t have come if Finn’s words weren’t true.

Tommy was wordlessly coming over, seemed as if he had been in a rush to get here, but you stumbled away from him, using the wall as guidance. „No!“

„Y/N–“

„NO! Stay away!“ Your heart was starting to pump blood through your veins at an incredibly high speed, it roared in your ears and made your lungs speed up in sync. Hyperventilating and almost sinking to your knees, you didn’t know what to do. What should you do? What could you do? How could Bonnie be gone if you wanted to get back to him as soon as possible?

„Y/N, let us help you, okay?“

„No!“ Still with your arm stretched out in front of you, to keep them away, your mind was running wild on what the fuck to do. „Where is he?“

„Y/N, you can’t go–“

„Where the fuck is he, Thomas!“ Maybe you were waking up everyone on Watery Lane but you couldn’t control the volume of your voice. 

„Aberama put him in his caravan–“

Rushing past him to get out, you heard him shout and come after you. „You can’t go and see him.“

Fumbling for the keys in your pocket, Tommy was faster. The last thing you remembered was a sting in your neck, then everything went black as if you fell asleep.

**/////**

You were soon to understand why Tommy had prevented you from seeing Bonnie that night. He had drugged you so you wouldn’t rush out to the woods and find him like that. Not when you just found out he was dead. 

For a whole day you had locked yourself in your old room at Watery Lane. After Tommy told you why and how Bonnie was gone, you couldn’t stand anyone around you without going after their throat, especially Tommy’s. You had just sat on the floor, staring at the wall and tried to understand it but you couldn’t. Not until you saw him. That’s why you told Tommy to go fuck himself, when you finally went downstairs, and drove to the woods you had last seen Bonnie at.

The caravan looked just like you had left it. Climbing the steps, you were scared to open the door.

„Go on in“, you suddenly heard someone speak, startling you. Aberama had appeared from between the trees, holding an axe.

„I’m scared I won’t leave it once I stepped in.“

„You will, Y/N. There’s work we have to do.“ He disappeared again and some thuds were to hear, almost like he was mauling wood.

You opened the door. You stepped in. You found him. And instantly turned your back to him. You started to sob so hard – crying for the first time actually – because looking at him for only a second was devastating. It took some minutes to get in control of the situation and turn to him again.

Bonnie was laying on the bed. Aberama probably didn’t have the strength to clean him yet. He almost didn’t look like himself anymore. Like the handsome, adoring guy with those dark eyes you fell for so hard. The dried blood, brown on his skin, covered all of his face. Eyes were closed. Jaw unnaturally misaligned. A big hole in his head. 

Bonnie was crucified. They had been beating him up and hung his body on a cross. 

Bonnie was shot in the face. Killed merciless. 

Bonnie was a fucking message. To your brother.

„Bonnie, please open your eyes.“ The sobbing started again when you sat down on the bed next to him. His hand still felt the same when you intertwined your fingers with his. The coldness made your crying worse, though. It didn’t stop. You couldn’t and didn’t want to for a while. For a long, long time. Until your body felt completely numb and unable to cry more before you hadn’t refilled it with water. But that didn’t make you leave just like that. Deep down you knew he wouldn’t wake up but you still called his name again and again. You told him to wake up, so you could leave and go wherever you wanted. You wouldn’t waste another day, trying to sort everything out. You didn’t care. All you wanted was him. And he… he was laying there and _didn’t_ wake up.

Following the thuds outside, you found Aberama still slamming an axe to the ground. It wasn’t the ground he was hitting, though. You tripped over your own feet when you realised that the wood to his feet must’ve been _the_ cross. 

„Tommy gave me his word that I’m going to kill that Billy Boy scum.“ He stopped in his motions.

„Tommy’s word is as much worth as that scum,“ you huffed and let yourself drop to the cold ground. You didn’t expect an answer or anything else. The night you were told Bonnie was dead was when you lost any expectations. You just stopped caring. Except for one thing. „When… when do you want–“ Unable to finish your sentence, Aberama stopped once again.

„To burn his damn caravan?“ Throwing the axe to the remnants of the cross, he sat down next to you. „Never did I think I had too. Always thought he would burn mine one day.“ 

Against your assumption your body couldn’t cry anymore tears, it started again. This time leaving out the intense sobbing, though. „Can I help you clean him?“

„I’m not ready.“

„If we wait until we’re ready one day we will never do it, Aberama.“

„You know, Y/N, he was so incredibly happy to have met you. He was _my_ son, so I knew from the moment he came walking up to me, wearing that big grin, that he met someone very special.“ Aberama joined in with the quiet crying. „There was only one thing he wanted more than being the best boxer to ever live.“ Bonnie’s dad placed an arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer to him. „To love you for the rest of his life.“ You totally lost it with his last words, crying your fucking heart out which you were sure would burn with Bonnie in that caravan.

It’s been his sisters that pulled both of you out of your grief. They were bringing water and some fresh cloths.

Cleaning him up, together with his father, was a rather monotonous thing to do. Saying goodbye not so much.

_How the fuck were you ever going to say goodbye to him?_

Losing Bonnie was unbearable. In the past two years he had brought you more joy than the nineteen years before you fell in love with him. He had learned you to love someone so deeply, it pained to imagine ever being without him. So you never had. Out of all the people, you never thought his time would be up next. How could you switch places with him? _You’re_ a Shelby, why did they not choose you to send a message with? 

Leaving Bonnie was like stabbing ten knives into your own lungs. You held your breath when you brushed through his hair one last time. Some tears were falling down to his cold skin when you pressed your lips to his temple one last time. The moment you placed down his hand and stood, gathering the strength to turn your back on him, asked for every small amount of willpower left in your body. Your feet didn’t move further than to the door. You didn’t want to go. You knew he wasn’t there anymore, even though he was so close.

„I love you“, you whispered and then let your eyes slip from his face and opened the door. Every step hurt but you pulled through with it. You didn’t know how or who told him but Finn was standing outside when you exited the caravan.

He took your hand and you let him. Being able to hold onto someone was very much needed when Aberama lit fire under the caravan.

And just like a few nights ago, the fire was winding its way up, dancing into the stars. Bonnie’s words were echoing. _To every single star in the sky and way beyond what’s in the darkness lurking between them._ That’s where the wind was taking him now. Not to another forest with you together how it should’ve been. No. You drove off, saw him getting smaller in the mirror and just like that, he slipped from your grip forever without you even being aware of it.

**/////**

For months you wished you wouldn’t have been so good with protection. That maybe, somehow, within the last few times you had slept with him, something of him found its way to stick in this world. That he left behind something, someone, of himself. But he didn’t. There was nothing, no little him or you, that would be left of him. He would never live further than this stupid year of ’29.

It was hard. Every day. Since he was gone there hadn’t been one day where it didn’t feel like his absence tore you apart completely.

You quit work, just couldn’t work under Tommy anymore. You didn’t really know anymore if it was justified, if he could’ve prevented it somehow, but for a long time you found him guilty for Bonnie’s death.

The only one of your family you still talked to was Finn. And only then if it was a nonchalant topic. You didn’t want them to know how broken you, Y/N Shelby, were. And you didn’t want to be around while Tommy was working together with the man who killed Bonnie. That just wasn’t an option at all.

Phantasies about killing this Billy Boy were haunting you. Mostly in your daydreams because the nightmares were filled of Bonnie at a cross or Bonnie with no face. Or the worst: Bonnie still alive. When you dreamed of him being alive and woke from the sleep, you didn’t even stand up that day. Had someone told you a few years ago that love could do something like that to a person, to you, you wouldn’t have believed it in eternity.

The only reason you didn’t leave yet, ignoring Tommy’s deal and went after this McCavern’s life: You felt like it was Aberama’s place to take that bastards life. 

For the last months you’ve been staying with Aberama’s family. The only solace you were able to find was with the people that grieved for Bonnie as well. They were beautiful beings, cheering over his life rather than being sorry for losing him. And yes, it helped some, but no, you couldn’t just adept their mentality like that.

When the news came, that the assassination of Oswald Mosley didn’t work, that Aberama was stabbed to death, another time, everything crashed. For a few more days you were able to stay with Aberama’s kids and his sister, then you couldn’t fight the urge to go after McCavern anymore. 

You went away only by horse – Bonnie’s horse. With some blankets and the Peaky cap on your head, you made your way up north to Glasgow. The first three days it was only cold, which was endurable. When snow started to fall, it got harder to continue with your route. You spent the nights curled up in your blankets, trying to shelter from the snow under a big tree. None of it could’ve stopped you, though. Your determination was stronger than the weather. So you kept riding, kept freezing in the nights.

On the seventh day, not far away from Glasgow anymore, everything fell into place suddenly. You heard voices. Something had aligned everything perfectly well for you.

Getting of the horse and tying it to a tree, you snuck your way through the bushes to the street. You had followed it in some distance for a while now.

A car was parked on the side, three men tried to fix a tire. One of them was Jimmy McCavern. You had seen him back at Charlie’s yard from afar. No doubt, it was him. 

You didn’t expect luck would grant you such an opportunity but there it was. Remaining covered in the bushes, you waited for their discussion about the tire to come to an end. For a second you thought they would start throwing punches but then McCavern ordered the two men, he had travelled with, to go and find the next village and steal a new car. They obeyed his orders and started to walk away.

He watched them leave and muttered some slurs you couldn’t understand. You waited. Until at some point he did, what every man did: pee at a tree.

The snow covered the sound of your steps when you moved out from behind the bushes and crossed the road. After imagining his death for such a long time, in so many different scenarios, it surprised you how calm you actually were. Arthur was always so furious. Tommy so cold. John was a miracle. And Finn… he was just not meant for the Peaky business and that was a good thing. To be honest, you expected to be just like Arthur in this very moment but that wasn’t the case. You creeped up on the man who had killed Billie and you couldn’t be more calmer. The fact you would be able to close this chapter in a few seconds was astonishingly relaxing.

He just finished up his business, when you pushed him to the snow covered ground and held him there. You quickly removed his gun and threw it behind you. He didn’t have any other weapons on him.

Bonnie’s boxing lessons had made you a lot stronger, so you turned McCavern around to face him. The swearing, which again you didn’t understand even though being way closer this time, stopped. You didn’t know if he knew who you were or if he was surprised you were a woman. You didn’t give a fuck, though.

„Time’s up“, you hissed. Your full body weight held him down and the arm under his chin prevented him from talking. Slowly, you reached out for your head, grabbed the Peaky cap and revealed the razor blades. That’s when his eyes showed some sort of realisation.

„This is for Bonnie.“

**/////**

You waited for three days. But nothing changed. You didn’t feel better. Right after taking McCavern’s eyes and cutting his throat open, bleeding to death, you fled from the scene back south as fast as possible. One more death, the one death you had longed for in such a long time and it didn’t change a single thing. Bonnie was still gone, vanished from your life without a possibility to ever get him back. And revenge didn’t change a single thing inside of you. The bleak beast was still eating your insides.

You waited for three weeks. But nothing changed. You went to Aunt Pol, didn’t know where to go anymore or what to do. You told her what you had done. She was grieving for Aberama. She wanted you to stay and you decided to do so. But only a couple hours later you heard her phone Tommy that you were here – so you left again. Still with McCavern’s blood on your razor blades.

When the third month came around, something odd happened. You sat on the steps of your own caravan somewhere in the woods all by yourself. Rain must’ve fallen the previous night because the smell of mother nature rose. It wrapped around you like Bonnie’s arms always used to. Like he did on the day he died. Half a year had passed and nothing changed. You felt guilty, you felt left and lost but the scent of soil filling your nose brought some peace to you. The first time ever since Bonnie was gone. 

His laughter still echoed in your ears and his words remained with you, repeating themselves every night before you fell asleep. You knew he wasn’t here anymore but you also knew he would never leave your heart. You wouldn’t let that happen. And that’s when you realised what to do next.


End file.
